People cannot understand what being a widow feels like. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. Today I feel as though I've lost my right arm. As I stand in front of a door, heavy load in my left arm, I struggle to find a way to open the door without my right arm. Those with two hands pass by, give a pitying smile, say a kind word or offer to pray. I know they're so thankful it didn't happen to them. They then shift their load in their left hand and open the door with their right. I wish I could just blend into the crowd, but I feel as though all eyes are on me. I wait for a kind soul to hold the door open for me. Some days there are fewer people and they're all in a hurry. Eventually I realize I have to be bold enough to ask for some help. They go bowling, out to eat, to the art shows etc, but they don't ask me. How awkward it would be to have a one armed person in the midst of a two armed group. And what if the pain of the separation might be obvious; how would they handle the awkward moment?? The severing of my right arm has affected every relationship I have.
It would be easier to stay at home to change the dressings on the still fresh wound. To fumble around without pity and the advice of people who have no clue what losing an arm is like. Everywhere there are reminders of my former life with two hands, and the things I took for granted. Everywhere there are people with two arms; many who don't even realize how much they are blessed. At home I can be leisurely with my memories, and mourn for what is lost without drawing attention. With no one watching, I can practice the art of living with one arm until I am strong enough to try it in public. One day I know for certain that I will learn to function with only one arm in an amazing way. A few faithful friends may remain to celebrate that accomplishment with me. The rest have not remained to be reminded that they could lose an arm as well. Their lives are comfortable and complete with "normal" people and my presence is uncomfortable. To use the phrase "a fish out of water" is an understatement.
I am a one armed person in a two armed world. I am too married to be a single, too alone to be a married, too old to start over, and too young to stop living.
While it would be easier to practice the skill of living well with one arm at home alone; I refuse to take the easy way. I need to push out of my comfort zone. I know that God has plans for a one armed person and so I continue to ask each day what He has for me to do.I am soooo greatful for those who aren't embarrassed by my loss; and who I know love and support me. They encourage me to do the hard work that it will take to heal completely.
Yesterday I went to my first meeting of Widow Persons Services. It is hard to walk into a room full of complete strangers, especially when you're still in pain and so unaccustomed to doing everything with only one arm; but I went because I had heard that everyone there only had one arm. And as soon as I got there, I felt at home.
BOOK LIST
- "Praying Through CANCER" a 90 day devotional for Women by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist
- "The God of All Comfort" by Dee Brestin
- " Getting to the Other Side of Grief/Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse" by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert DeVries
F.Y.I.
- You can have those special flowers freeze dried and preserved forever.
- Save those special clothes to be made into memory quilts or teddy bears.
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Oh Chris, your post has brought me many tears for you! I'm so sorry that grief is so hard! I hate how grief affects relationships..it's so true. You know I cannot understand fully what you are going through-- yet your pain would never make me uncomfortable. It's a journey...a long one too. I am thankful we have Christ who can lend us His arms of comfort. I'm so sorry you no longer feel complete. I imagine that many in the group you went to feel the very same way. I am glad you found a group! It is so refreshing to be with people who truly have walked the same path in many ways! I'm so glad you found one--I am sure it is hard to step out into that unknown world...seemingly alone. Advice is very difficult to deal with. Especially from those who have not fully dealt with losing someone they love..and as many grieve differently. As humans we just want to say a quick fix answer to fix everything. And we no longer really process the pain of others for long--we like to avoid their pain because it's difficult to think of. It's selfish to do that--and alienate those who are truly hurting the most--the one grieving. And yet so easy to avoid and stick to our own 'comfortable' lives so that we may not feel that 'sad' feeling inside. (rolling eyes) How selfish we are as human beings! And I KNOW that for some it is just hard because they don't know what to say...but that is not really an excuse. It IS difficult to think of--you losing your precious husband who you had such a blessed marriage with for so many years. All the love and trials you faced together...such a team and then suddenly death came..seemingly without warning. Even when you 'know' something may happen it is NOT the same as it happening. I think death really always comes suddenly. I cannot even begin to imagine the suffering that is happening for you and your family. There is NO fixing your arm. It's gone. Gone for a very long time--and you are stuck to struggle without. No "I'm sorry but..." or "get up and get going" is going to change that! Everything is a new 'normal' now and it cannot change back. It's a harsh reality but hopefully one that will bring much beauty in the years to come...so very hard to see from right now. I'm so sorry it's so tough! I wish I could say I understand but I cannot. I have not walked your shoes. I can just pray and wish you comfort and peace tonight as you learn to live with just one arm. HUGS and many prayers!
ReplyDelete"I am a one armed person in a two armed world. I am too married to be a single, too alone to be a married, too old to start over, and too young to stop living."
ReplyDeleteWow! What a succinct summarization of your current reality! These are achingly honest words!Beautiful post!!
I'm glad you've found a support group that your heart felt at home with!
One of the lines in the CD I sent you says something about how out of the desert experience will come your "vineyard of fruitfulness - it's guaranteed". Your writing during Doug's illness and in the aftermath continues to be fruit and also the deep empathy you now have with others who are "one armed" in so many ways. i love you. forgive me when i'm insensitive - i am teachable.